Crystal Ball Season Preview

It's prediction time! You'll probably remember that this was the space last year in which we predicted the Red Sox would win the World Series in six games. If you don't remember it, we'll wait as you find the magazine from last year. Go on. We'll wait.

Oh, you can't…well, regardless, we totally nailed the Red Sox prediction. And if you're looking for 2014 predictions, you've come to the right place. Here's what's guaranteed to happen in the 2014 baseball season.


February

* You pretend to follow basketball, just like every year. It's better than you remember it, and you're actually kind of enjoying yourself. You could see yourself…

* You forward basketball's calls straight to voicemail within minutes of pitchers and catchers reporting.


March

* The most important news out of the Cactus League is that Player has a monster spring. When Manager is asked about Player, he can't stop talking about the adjustments Player made during the offseason. "The new workout regimen is paying dividends, there's no question," Manager will say. "This is going to be Player's year."

He's absolutely right. Player is going to be incredible. Player is going to finish in the top-five in MVP voting. The spring will not be a mirage. Buy futures in Player. Seriously. Draft Player first in your draft. Bid him up in your auction. You must have Player if you want to win your league.

Make sure you pick the right Player. Don't screw this up.

* Yasiel Puig becomes the first player to be suspended under the new home-plate collision rules. He was returning to first on a pickoff attempt at the time.

* Here's where every year, I write something about how the Astros are eliminated from playoff contention. The joke is that, ha ha, the Astros are so bad, ha ha, they're eliminated before the first game of the year. It's a tired, hackneyed joke, and you know what? The Astros have a solid foundation. Their minor-league system has improved exponentially, and they're going to have the first pick in the 2014 draft. They're on the right track. Save the rehashed jokes. They might not be good this year, but they're on the right track.


April

* The Astros are eliminated from postseason contention.

* Bud Selig announces that his Blue Ribbon panel -- commissioned to investigate the territorial dispute between the Oakland A's and San Francisco Giants -- reached a decision to form a Blue Ribbon panel to investigate the efficiency of the last Blue Ribbon panel.

* After Robinson Cano goes 0-for-14 in his first 18 plate appearances, the first "Do the Mariners already regret Robinson Cano?" article appears.

* Jacoby Ellsbury plays his first game in Fenway. Red Sox fans hold up signs that read, "Thanks for the memories," "We understand," and "Baseball is a business!" Ellsbury strikes out to end the first game of the series, and thousands of fans gather around home plate to applaud him for his superlative effort and sportsmanship.


May

* People who were laughing at Bartolo Colon moving to the National League are stunned when the right-hander hits 290 with the Mets. There was never a decimal point in that last sentence.

* Play is stopped when the bird in Mike Napoli's beard attacks Jonny Gomes' beard, and millipedes spill out everywhere. Millipedes, millipedes, millipedes everywhere, writhing about, wriggling in and out of Gomes' beard as the bird in Napoli's beard slides several of them down its gullet at once, snapping at them like…

You know why that joke didn't work? Because nothing could possibly be nastier than those stupid beards in the first place.

* The San Diego Padres play a baseball game.

* Someone gets the "Do the Mariners already regret Robinson Cano?" article wet, and 39 more appear in newspapers across the country.

* The sequel to the Dodgers/Diamondbacks brawl is a critical and financial flop, with replacement brawlers like Matt Nokes, Cory Snyder and Jimmy Key failing to capture the nation's heart the same way the last brawl did. Gene Shalit called the new fight "Donnie Basebrawl without the brawl. You'll make a Big Macstake if you think you're getting a bounce from this Trammelline. Also, I didn't know Cory Snyder was still alive."


June

* Selig's Blue Ribbon Panel announces that "San José" is Spanish for "Saint José," and the name likely comes from Spanish missionaries who lived in the area hundreds of years ago. The panel also notes that the Winchester Mystery House is "really weird" with "doors that don't even go anywhere."

* Angel Hernandez blows a call that costs the White Sox a win, and Hawk Harrelson regrettably challenges the umpire to a fight on air. Quick, no time to think, gut reaction, whom do you root for? Whatever you answered was wrong. Think harder next time.

* A Giants game is interrupted by mysterious organ sounds coming from beneath AT&T Park. Officials are baffled until someone recognizes the melody to a John Mayer song coming from the organ. After several shouts of "Dammit, Zito, get out of there," order is restored, and the game continues.

For now.


July

* First-time All Stars include Xander Bogaerts, Andrelton Simmons and Shin-Soo Choo. When told he made his first All-Star Game, Choo responded with, "Wait, I've never made an All-Star Game? That seems…weird. Here's $1,000 not to mention this to Jayson Stark. Scram. And here's $1,000 for your friend. Go on, scram."

* Phillies ownership refuses to commit to a decision about GM Ruben Amaro until after the season, with a source saying there's a "50/50 chance" that a change is made. Amaro is promptly fired after unleashing a profanity-laced tirade about the Phillies’ ownership using advanced statistics to build a case against him.

* At the Hall of Fame induction ceremony in Cooperstown, Greg Maddux announces that he was on steroids the entire time, and that they improved his vision and helped refine his pinpoint command. He says he started in high school, and that the drugs helped him meet girls and become popular. After hearing Tom Glavine laughing maniacally in the wings, he realizes his index cards have been switched.


August

* Selig's Blue Ribbon Panel to sort out the A's/Giants territorial dispute decides to award itself a blue ribbon. It's gorgeous.

* Mike Trout signs a record-setting, nine-year, $210 million extension, the first of its kind for a player over three full years away from free agency. The Angels announce the deal at a press conference that hahaha, just kidding, Albert Pujols is on the DL and Josh Hamilton is hitting .239, and there's no more money left. DOOMED, YOU'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOMED, ANGELS FANS.

* Terry Ryan, GM of the last-place Twins, wakes up from his bizarre amnesia and starts shouting, "Wait, we signed who? We signed who? For how much? Why? We aren't contending. Why would we throw our money away like that? And who did we get again?" This is important because "whom" would be the correct pronoun in all of those instances (referred to the direct object).

* You still don't understand the Doug Fister trade.


September

* One of the teams that you didn't expect to be good, but is suddenly good, is still good. The other team that you didn't expect to be good, but is suddenly good, collapses suddenly.

* Mike Trout buys a house that's three hours away from Dodger Stadium. At first, no one pays attention, but when someone points out the house is only a half-mile from Dodger Stadium, everyone panics. Especially Angels fans, who are doomed.

* Prince Fielder hits his 50th home run. No, there's no stupid joke. That's actually a prediction. I'm going to put $20 on that. Arlington, you know.

* The Mariners do not make the playoffs. Taijuan Walker finishes the year as the Rookie of the Year favorite, but for the Indians, who acquire him in a deadline deal for a platoon first baseman. Felix Hernandez misses September with an ingrown toenail. The roof gets stuck over Safeco Field, and everyone agrees to go home a week early.

But the next eight years of Cano's contract will go much better, I'm sure.

* The Blue Jays finish between 74 and 84 wins but promise to attack the offseason with a renewed vigor, setting their sights on between 75 and 85 wins. It could work, you know.


October

AL postseason predictions:

* A's over the Rays in the wild-card play-in game, in which the proletariat claws for the last scraps of the postseason for the bourgeoisie's amusement.

* A's over Rangers in the LDS, with TV broadcasts cutting to a graph of the Rangers' postseason failures plotted against Michael Young's diminishing at-bats with the team.

* Yankees over the Tigers because the Yankees are absolute jerks. Seriously, this is going to work for them. It shouldn't. Signing a bunch of older, expensive free agents is something the 2004 Royals would do if they had the money, and it would have failed. Instead, it's going to work for the Yankees 10 years later for no good reason.

* Yankees over A's because the baseball gods are bored children with a magnifying glass on a sunny day.

NL postseason predictions:

* Pirates over Nationals in the wild-card play-in game, with Stephen Strasburg blowing the save in the ninth (he started the previous game, too).

* Dodgers over Pirates because that's totally fair.

* Cardinals over Mets, who are the one “WAIT, WHAT?” team. There's a “WAIT, WHAT?” team every year. And, no, you can't guess which team it is unless you turn off every last logic-firing node of your brain.

* Cardinals over Dodgers because we've all lost the ability to care by now.

World Series prediction:

* Cardinals and Yankees play. People watch on TV. Jets fly over before the first game. Someone you've heard of sings a National Anthem. Your soul feels like a blender with a fork in it. Nobody wins. Nobody wins. Help us all, nobody wins.

Except the Yankees. Good for them! It's about time they caught a break.


November

* Bryce Harper wins the NL MVP, hitting .350 with 29 homers and 43 stolen bases. Unless your name is Eugene, and you're in my fantasy league, in which case please note that Harper is secretly nursing a thumb injury that's been lingering since last year.

* People use advanced stats to argue about Mike Trout's candidacy. The arguments are so persuasive, so forceful, they end up changing the minds of thousands. Trout is elected in a landslide.


GRANT BRISBEE
(Rotoworld)